Wednesday, 27 August 2008

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Jade Goody EXCLUSIVE: I could have died in the three months

Devastated Jade Goody speaks to NOW about her shock cancer diagnosis

Jade Goody is shocked by the news she has cervical cancer

Two weeks ago, it seemed Jade Goody was really turning a corner since the Celeb Big Brother race row. But unknown to this newly confident and happy Jade, she was suffering from cervical cancer.

Her plans to show the world how she’d changed were shattered, as two days after entering India’s version of the BB house on Sunday 17 August, she was flown home, diagnosed with cancer at just 27. She now needs a hysterectomy.

When NOW meets Jade, she’s clearly distraught, but determined to be open about her situation. She’s had to face a tough decision over whether or not to do this interview. In the end, she felt she had to go public after some cruelly suggested it could all be a stunt. Holding a tissue and sobbing, Jade doesn’t shrink from the truth. The most important thing for her is to be strong for her two young sons Bobby, five, and Freddy, three.

Once our time with her is up, Jade’s off to see another specialist. Despite the shock, she’s hopeful that there’ll be a happy ending. ‘Look at Kylie – she had one of the worst cases and now she does her tours. She’s an inspiration,’ Jade says. It may have once seemed unlikely, but we’re all rooting for Jade to become the same thing.

Do you know how long you’ve had cancer for, Jade?
I’ve had it for two years. My womb has to be taken out as half of it has the disease, which my consultant says is at stage 2. It grows slowly.

Because the wall of my womb has got so thin, it’s got into the bloodstream and I have to have tests to see if it’s spread to my lungs and my liver [at this point, Jade starts crying]. I didn’t want to cry – I thought people would have something to say about that, too.

Will you have to have an operation?
I have to have a hysterectomy. I’ll find out today when it’s going to be. And then I’ll also have to have a small dose of chemotherapy and radiotherapy.

When did you first realise something was wrong?
I lost my virginity at 16 and had my first smear test then. I had pre-cancerous cells in the cervix. It’s common, but I was really scared. You don’t listen to the ‘pre’, you just hear the word ‘cancer’. I had to have them burnt off. I didn’t have any anaesthetic, so it was horrible.

What happened then?
After they’d burnt off the abnormal cells, I said: ‘Will they ever come back?’ and the doctors told me no, they wouldn’t.

But they did come back…
When I was 18, I had another smear and the same thing happened. They burnt the cells off again. Then I had another smear after I had Bobby and Freddy and there were abnormal cells again, but the doctors said they didn’t want to burn any more of the cervix off because it gets too short. They said I was OK, though.

When did you realise that everything wasn’t OK?
I’d get these really bad pains, like a really bad period pain. I kept collapsing and each time I went to hospital. I’d get spasms in my la-la and my stomach. They were so severe, I couldn’t walk. I’d be too weak to stand up. Blood would just come out. Four times I went into hospital for the same reason.

What did the doctors do?
They did a pregnancy test and checked if I’d had a miscarriage. They always said I was OK.

What happened this time?
It was the other day [2 August]. I was doubled over in pain, losing clots of blood again. There was blood all over my bathroom and all over my stairs. I was on my own and I had to call for an ambulance. I was in too much pain to walk down the stairs. When they got there, they put me in a wheelchair and gave me gas and air and morphine, which it turns out I’m allergic to. I had blurred vision and the morphine made me feel like I had worms under my skin. They had to give me an injection to cancellate it. Thank God my sons weren’t with me.

Where were the boys?
My mum was looking after them for a week. I don’t know what I would’ve done.

What was going through your mind?
I felt like a bit of a drama queen, to be honest. When I went to hospital, I was there for nearly a week with no explanation. They said it might be down to stress.

I know stress can do a lot of things, but all that blood? It made me feel inadequate, like I was making it up, if I’m honest. As if I wanted to be in hospital for some reason – I’ve got two beautiful kids, I’d rather be at home with them. I thought: ‘I just can’t deal with this any more.’ I refused to leave.

What happened then?
I lost more blood, about three big clots. I was glad they saw that, to be honest. I remember being so frustrated because they tried to tell me it was a heavy period. I thought: ‘Don’t insult my intelligence.’ When they gave me food, I threw up and fell off the bed. I’ve been having periods since I was 16; all my friends have periods – the most they need is a hot water bottle.

So you had tests done?
I had blood tests. I thought: ‘Surely you shouldn’t be taking any more blood, I’ve just lost a load!’ But they said I was due for a smear test, so I should have one done. It was as light-hearted as that.

What were the results?
They said I had pre-cancerous cells again and I could see these abrasion lumps, a bit like if you’ve got a spot on your face. They burnt them off there and then and the lady said: ‘They’ve all gone; that’s it, you’re clear.’

Did you think that was the reason that you were in pain and collapsing?
I thought that had to be the explanation and the doctors said it could be. I went home he day after and they told me not to wear tampons or have intercourse for four weeks.

Some people were asking why you went to India just a week later…
I didn’t know what the results were going to be but the hospital had told me everything seemed normal, so I had no reason to worry. I’m a single parent; I don’t get much support from the father and I was going to get paid. Everyone needs to make money. I thought it was an opportunity for me to go over there and show them another side of me. As far as I’m concerned, I’m not a racist. The way I behaved wasn’t right, but I’ve done a lot of work on myself. I wanted them to make their own choice if they liked me or not, not just read about me. I organised everything for the three months – videos for the boys from me telling them I missed them. This is my income, this is my work. People seem to think I’m a millionaire and I’m not.

Were you nervous?
I was nervous, but everyone was really helpful and sweet. I was having a good time. I learnt how to say my name in Hindi. I wasn’t even homesick. It was amazing.

How was it to meet Shilpa Shetty again?
She looked stunning. I don’t hold grudges against people. She rings me now – she knows about all this.

What was it like to get that news in the house?
I was sweeping the floor and they called me into their diary room, called the Confession Room. The first thing that went through my head was that they don’t like me, there’s trouble and I’ve got to leave the house.

Did you ever think it would be your doctor?
I thought I was fine – there was no reason for my doctor to ring me. They said they thought it could be a hoax, so I thought it might be a journalist. I asked the doctor what hospital I was born in. When he answered right, I thought: ‘Oh my God, it’s real.’ They put me on loudspeaker and he said they’d looked at the biopsy again and discovered it was quite serious and I needed to get home now.
I was still being cynical, thinking: ‘Is this really my doctor?’ Then he said: ‘Jade, you’ve got cancer.’ The last thing on this planet I expected was for them to tell me that.

What went through your mind at that point?
I knew it wasn’t a joke then. My heart sank. I’m very naive and all I could think was: ‘Cancer, chemo, death.’ I wondered: ‘Has it been there since I was 16? What does it mean?’ The doctor said it was at stage 1B. He said: ‘It’s bad, Jade.’ But he said they could deal with it because it was at an early stage.

What did you do?
My first thought was: ‘Am I going to lose my hair?’ I know it’s ridiculous, but that’s the first thing that went through my head. I was thinking: ‘What the f*** do I do now?’ I didn’t want my mum or grandad to read about it in the newspapers.

Were they filming it?
It was immoral of them because they did film me talking to my agent about it and they’d been so sympathetic towards me.

What did you tell the people in the Bigg Boss house?
I didn’t want them to think I was being horrible, but I wanted to tell my family first. I burst
into tears and went into the bedroom. About an hour later, they said I was going to have to leave. I didn’t want to be in a hotel room on my own, beating myself up about it.

How was the flight home?
I tried calling people, but I couldn’t get through to anyone. I just slept on the plane. I kept thinking: ‘This isn’t right, it’s a mistake’.

Was it horrible being alone?
I wanted someone to cuddle me, but when they did, I wanted them to get off me because I thought it made me feel weak. While I was on the plane, I had all these things going through my head, things that I wanted to do…

Do you mean future plans?
Yes, I wanted to let my children know how privileged they are. I want to take them to a poorer country, so that they appreciate what they’ve got. I want to make amends with my dad – I know he’s dead, but I despise him and I don’t want to despise him.
I want to make peace with my brothers. It sounds stupid, but I thought if there wasn’t any bad in me, maybe someone will be nicer to me and I won’t have this problem. I just wanted to wash my hands of everything bad.

Who was the very first person you called?
I rang my mum when I got to the hotel and I told her. She just didn’t say nothing. It was horrible.

Maybe that was the shock…
Her reaction wasn’t the reaction I wanted. I’ve always been like a mum to her – I wanted what I give to her for her to give to me and she couldn’t do it. I got angry with her then. I didn’t want anyone else to say they didn’t know what to say. I wanted her to be a mum to me.

Who else did you speak to after that?
I rang my best friend, but she was on holiday and some man answered. Then I rang Jack, but he was getting out of a car and said he’d have to call me back.

Did you speak to anyone who could comfort you?
I rang Jeff [Brazier, 29] because he’s the father of my kids and his aunties have been through it. He was really good and made me feel better. Then his girlfriend texted me. It was really sweet.

How has Jack [Tweed, 21] been throughout all this?
I can’t knock him, he’s been very supportive. He’s crap with words, but he’s been with me at all the appointments. I keep driving him mad by waking up really early.

What have you told Bobby and Freddy?
Bobby worries and Freddy’s too young to understand. I told them I was at home with a belly ache.

Have you seen them since you got back to the UK?
I know it sounds awful, but I don’t want to see my boys. Bobby’s so sensitive. They’re too young. I haven’t told them and they’re not going to know either.

So you won’t be able to have any more children?
Just the other day, Bobby was saying he wanted a sister, but that’s not going to happen. I’m grateful because some women get this and don’t already have children; but I’m only 27. I’m not going to feel much like a woman with no womb and no hair. If it hadn’t been discovered when it was, I was told I could’ve died within three months.

Would you adopt?
I’d adopt, but it’s too early to think of that. Maybe when I’m older.

Will you lose your hair?
I’ve got quite thick hair, so I might not. If I do, I won’t wear a wig. I’ll get a really nice scarf. I’m going to look like a Kinder egg!

Are you angry that it wasn’t discovered sooner?
I’m not angry, I’m just a bit disappointed. I feel let down that no one listened to me.

How are you coping with it all?
My emotions are all over the gaff. I just want to laugh all the time. I was joking with my friends that they’ll all have to shave their heads if I lose my hair. People see me as bubbly, so they feel more comfortable if I’m laughing, but deep down it hurts.

Have you thought about death at all?
I have to live for my kids. I’ve tackled so many things, but all the others were an option. This isn’t. It’s my biggest challenge yet. Everyone keeps saying how strong I am, but being strong hasn’t got me anywhere, has it?

Understandably, you must feel awful that some people said this was a stunt…
I always feel I have to justify myself to people. Regardless of what you think of me, I’d never do anything like that. No one believes me. I’d have to be sick to make something like that up. People have been saying the most nasty, hurtful things. What I’ve had to read…

Like what?
On an internet site, someone wrote: ‘Something’s fishy.’ People were saying it was ust pre-cancerous cells. [Jade starts crying again] I wish it was. For four years, ’ve been saying something’s wrong with me, but people wouldn’t listen. Now I have o have my womb taken out.

You’ve been criticised in the media before, of course…
For seven years, people have been not particularly nice about me, which is fine. You can call me a bigot, call me a bully, a racist, whatever. But right now, I can’t deal with being called anything negative. If you can’t write anything nice, please don’t write anything. I shouldn’t care what people think, but I can’t help it. After everything you’ve been through, do you ever think: ‘Why me?’ I think: ‘Am I going to get a break?’

How are you finding being so much in the press spotlight?
They’re outside the front my house every day. Everything that happens to me happens in TV. I used to love the cameras, but now… [Composes herself] I know it sounds really stupid, but I just want to be strong and get through it that way.

How do you feel now?
I’m not really in a good way, to be honest. I feel sick. There’s nothing I can do, just get on with it. I just feel nothing. Nothing.

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