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  • Heidi Montag sinks her teeth into Spencer Pratt. Shudder
  • Spencer Pratt then gets affectionate with Heidi Montag. Well, she does have a nice bum
  • 'Do you want me to roll onto you?' Heidi Montag asks Spencer Pratt. No thanks
  • 'I want another one', says Spencer Pratt. We think he means a finger. Argh!
  • No, please don't EVER drink again, Speidi
  • Gillian Taylforth looks about as scarred as I feel
Heidi and Spencer on Celebrity Big Brother. Ah, that unshakeable pillar of morals, principles and ethics.

Ok, I'm joking - but I have been taken aback by how conservative they are.

Heidi didn't like Lacey taking a shower naked in the house, and told her so (she'd rather everyone wore swimsuits, in case hubby Spencer gets tempted).

And the couple are outright prudish about other people showing affection to each other in their vicinity (‘Give us some respect. We're a married couple!')

Weird.

So I was utterly scandalized last night when Speidi got drunk - and started doing X-rated stuff under the covers. Whilst others were in the room, and the lights were on, may I add.

Poor Gillian Taylforth! She was woken up from her slumber and looked mightily confused.

Well wouldn't you be confused if you woke up to Heidi and Spencer off The Hills whispering stuff like ‘Do you want me to roll onto you?' (Heidi)

And even worse, ‘I want another one!' (Spencer. I think he was referring to one of Heidi's fingers. Yep. Seriously. I can't tell for sure because there was a duvet in the way, but YOU try watching it back here and see for yourself.)

It was basically porn. And I feel scarred for life.

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