Celebrity Big Brother: Bringing Out The Dead
It's back from beyond the grave and like most long serving Big Brother fans I am approaching it with trepidation.
It's rare my TV ever finds Five, I'm sure it's a lovely channel full of ground breaking TV, but it always feels like there's only ever programmes on about Nazis and sharks. Anyway, although I didn't want Big Brother to return for its own sake, I shall put my worries aside and settle down to take you through the return of the reality TV behemoth. Are you ready, then here we go...
21.02 - Brian Dowling do not do the Davina salute and while I know you are excited, you could have at least done your suit up properly. I can't believe I'm saying this, but I already miss Davina's gurning and shouting.
21.06 - First up it's Kerry Katona. What a surprise. No really, I never expected that. Stop sticking your tongue out Kerry and calm down. Vanessa-episode anyone? It feels like they've tried to make her as annoying as possible by playing Cher Lloyd as she walks in. How many times do you think she's going to mention her kids tonight? I reckon 27.
21.10 - Next up is Tara Reid famous for appearing in American Pie, getting trashed [allegedly] and having dubious plastic surgery. She's all about the love at the moment. Hmmm give it a couple of days love, that'll change.
21.14 - It took approximately two minutes for Kerry to open the champagne. That's all I'm saying...
21.20 - Oh right it's the thug, sorry traveler from Big Fat Gypsy Weddings, Paddy Doherty. Fight Night II anyone.
21.24 - Tara clearly can't understand a word anyone is saying.
21.25 - Amy Childs says people mainly know her for TOWIE. No Amy, we only know you for TOWIE. She is quite sweet. Thick, but sweet. She's up for a romance. Damn, that girl wants to win.
21.27 - OMG. Amy says absolutely nothing. Shut Uuuuuup!
21.29 - What is going on with Tara. No seriously. She's a total space cadet.
21.35 - It's Darren Lyons better known as Mr Papparazzi. He owns Big Pictures and boy does he love publicity and hair dye. He's the greatest self publicist since Piers Morgan. There is a small chance he may win me over after he just slipped in that the paps sometimes pay the stars to take their photos when they're ‘not aware'. Ooooh!
21.40 - Please don't be so obvious when reading the autocue Brian.
21.40 - Most of you will not know who Sally Bercow is. In fact most people don't. She's married to the Speaker of The House Of Commons. Talking about your charity is a bit tacky though Sally [although a very good one]. I have a feeling she might be quite good though. She's already slagged the Daily Mail. Good girl.
21.46 - Just discussing how they may be ticking all the boxes on the contestants - it's kind of like a reality dream team, well nightmare really, but you know what I mean. However, I'm still not that excited. What's wrong with me? Actually don't answer that.
21.50 - Lucien Laviscount what are you doing! I did a shoot with him a little while ago and he's a really lovely and cheeky guy. Girls love him and he loves the ladies. Notice the plural there.
21.55 - The way Kerry is looking at Lucien is making me genuinely afraid for him.
21.56 - The Hoff's ex wife Pamela Back Hasselhoff is up next. Pamela appears to have decided to wear heels even a drag queen would struggle with.
22.07 - I don't know who Bobby Sable is, which is a first for me on CBB, but he's very pretty, so he gets away with it for now.
22.10 - It's Jedward. That's all I can say for legal reasons.
22.20 - I'm feeling seriously underwhelmed.
22.21 - Kerry ran to the Diary Room and now has a task. She must act like a diva and throw a tantrum. 'Why me?' asks Kerry. Because you're desperate for fame, maybe? She's really rubbish at acting. Painfully obvious.
22.27 - So that's it, they're in and we already have a bad montage. Hmmm. The jury is out.
All I can say is one of my favourite Big Brother tweets of tonight is the following - ‘If the Big Brother house was blown up now, ITV2 would have to survive only using Peter Andre.' Too, too true.
Breaking News! Lauren Harries is on Big Brother's Bit On The Side talking about fashion. A new low has been reached.