The X Factor: The good, the bad and the tone deaf

The X Factor returns to our TV screens and it's bigger and better than ever before...

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The X Factor: Could Danyl go all the way?

The X Factor is back and there are big changes. No, Dannii’s forehead still doesn’t move, but they have changed the audition process. Now the poor unfortunates have to stand in front of not only Simon, Cheryl, Louis and Dannii, but a full audience of the great unwashed.

The good news is it works. Actually, it really works. However, the voiceover dubbing it: ‘an audition revolution’ may be over egging it slightly. Let’s be honest, Simon just copied Britain’s Got Talent. But hey, a change is always good and you would have thought it would make the deluded, useless singers realise their search for fame was fruitless. Sadly not.

Anyway lets start with the good before moving on to the bad and the ugly. The clear winner of the night was Danyl the singing school teacher. The crowd loved him, the judges loved him, all the women in the building loved him. He sang well, worked the stage and seemed like an all round nice bloke. I see a potential winner. Surely only some kind of horrific accident can now separate him from the final 12?

Duane who got to the bootcamp stages last year was back and was brilliant too. Stacey from Essex was modest, nice and sang really well – you could see Simon plotting the makeover already. Joseph from South Shields, may have brought his entire family with him [often a sign of imminent failure] but he was very good as well. May I add at this point that while everyone rightly brings up the fact that if you’re Irish Louis will put you through to the next round, Cheryl’s North East bias is giving him a run for his money.

Right, that’s the good ones out of the way, now on to the tone-deaf mentalists. Triple Trouble were surely just Lauren and her mates from Catherine Tate? I do love a good microphone throwing strop though, although Cheryl didn’t have to look quite so shocked [Dannii must have been very jealous at that range of emotions].

The fat girl wearing a wedding dress from a couple of years ago was back, this time with her sister in tow. Apparently she had recently been living in her car after being evicted from her house for singing in the street at 3am. All I can say is that I’m amazed the car wasn’t towed away too. She was, if it is possible, worse still than all her previous auditions. I blame the parents. No seriously, her dad is clearly madder than her and already determined that they will return next year and win. Please someone, make them stop.

The Dreamgirls got to open the show. This will be the first and only time they do that. They murdered Angels by Robbie Williams. However, I thought Simon comparing them to the sound a cat would make if it was being squashed was rather unfair – to cats that is.

Finally the last act I shall mention is Edward and John , the twins with gravity defying hair from Dublin. Their arrogance, cockiness and generally annoying joint persona was made even more irritating by their fake American accents. This could be forgiven if they were amazing singers, but their voices were distinctly average. Maybe they’ll surprise me at Bootcamp, however I hope not.

Finally, here are some other things I have noticed from the first show
• There have been a distinct lack of sob stories this year. Hooray!
• The Xtra Factor has a higher nutter tally than the main show and may actually be better than it. Also, I love Holly Willoughby. I didn't really get her until now. Sorry.
• Why do the judges look like they are farting fire at the start of the show?
• Kudos to Simon for getting a car four meters from his hotel to the venue. Mistake my arse.

Now, enough of me, enjoy Danyl’s performance once more instead…