Friday, 2 January 2009

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Celeb Big Brother: It's back!

Celebrity Big Brother returns and this year's celebs are revealed, my money is on the little one...

Verne Troyer aka Mini Me

It’s that time of year again [well, sort of]. Davina is clad head to toe in black, although this time wearing a coat that looks suspiciously like Pete Burns monkey jacket dyed black. The crowd are suitably mental and baying for blood and the house is pretty much the same with only a few celeb based changes. It can only mean one thing, Celebrity Big Brother is back and let’s hope this time they’re all nice [again, sort of]. So, here’s my bi-annual minute-by-minute guide to the first night and, as usual, I reserve the right to change all my opinions by tomorrow evening …

21.10 – Latoya Jackson has not only the biggest bodyguard in the world, but the pointiest nose I have ever seen. The Jackson’s clearly love BB, don’t they? Poor Latoya though, even Janet is more famous than her, even if these days it’s more for her waistline than her musical talent. She sounds like a little girl which is a bit scary. What is that hee hee laugh. No need to boo her though.

21.11 - I’m sorry did I just hear she dislikes white food?

21.15 – I quite like Mutya even though she looks like she might beat the crap out of you and she does have very severe eyebrows. Daughter is very cute. Nice tats, in an Amy Winehouse kind of way.

21.18 – Why does Latoya think that if she whispers then we won’t hear her?

21.20 – I kind of like Verne, although the idea of him hanging out at the Playboy mansion is a bit wrong. He thinks Big Brother is like summer camp? Oh dear. However I do like the fact he has an evil plan. He is the diet coke of evil.

21.22 – He is TINY!

21.24 – I like the marriage proposal for Verne and his response: ‘What time?’

21.31 – Ooh I’m not sure about Tommy. Very angry man. I like the fact he fought the poll tax although don’t like the other stuff so much, especially the sunbeds. And he likes George Galloway. I wonder if he’ll pretend to be the cat too. True socialist there, shaking hands with the security guard!

21.34 – Yeah they are being rather polite about not knowing who the hell each other is, Verne and Latoya aside obviously.

21.35 – Lucy Pinder, seems quite bright for a glamour model so far. Apart from the Tory comment, she hasn’t offended me yet, although I don’t think her and Tommy are going to get on too well now do you?

21.37 – I take it all back. Lucy Pinder can go to hell. A lifetime Southampton supporter. GET OFF MY TV NOW!!!!!!!!!

21.39 – Ben says he’s most famous for A1, what else are you famous for exactly? The curtains were bad, but being a bit after my boyband time I only vaguely remember him. He’s not exactly Mark Owen now is he? Most fanicable male? Seriously? I like the fact he realises that though. Seems quite nice so far.

21.41 – OK I’ll take the most famous for comment back he does seem to have actually worked as a songwriter and producer rather than just pretending to.

21.42 – I’ve just noticed that Davina is looking really gaunt.

21.42 – I LOVE Tina in Shameless. Oh lord, OCD, bi-polar, she’s going to be fun to live with isn’t she? I wonder if she’s met Kerry Katona? Although saying that she seems a hell of a lot more normal. I quite like her so far, although I think there could be trouble ahead.

21.53 – Coolio. He has a cool name. That is all.

21.54 – The mask is scary though.

21.55 – I quite like Michelle Heaton moaning about being a porker in latex. I don’t think she’s a horrible person, but she does wear bad clothes and go out drinking. A lot. Not something to be ashamed of, I have been known to do both in the past, but it doesn’t mean I can’t mock her for being orange because I’ve never done that.

21.59 – Terry Christian, I agree, he is ‘that annoying northern t*** who did The Word’. What I want to know is where is Hufty? I do like that his best chat up line is ‘can I buy you a drink or would you rather just have the money?’ Yeah, cash would be nice Terry.

22.03 – Coolio looks confused. I don’t blame you mate.

22.04 – Oh Ulrika. I’ve never been a fan, but I will keep my mind open for now. She hopes to leave the house emotionally intact, not so sure that will happen there. I’m thinking Vanessa Feltz.

Well it’s looking like a possibly explosive although hopefully not racist year. So far my money is on either Verne or Ben with a side bet on Tina. I think it may kick off this year even though they have been warned about [whisper it] racism. Well here goes, 21 days of Celeb BB. Bring. It. On.