Thursday, 31 May 2007

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Big Brother 8 has arrived

I feel a bit queasy. The time is finally upon us. I have my glass of wine at the ready and I’m watching the Channel 4 apology...

It can only mean one thing. Big Brother 8 has arrived and the rest of my summer will be taken up by the lives of the weird and hopefully, wonderful [but lets be honest it’s going to be weird isn’t it?] Big Brother housemates.

Here’s my minute-by-minute guide to the opening night, complete with snap judgments, which I will no doubt regret. Oh well. Let the carnage commence…

9.04: Ooh isn’t Davina’s waist tiny this year? It’s such a novelty her not being pregnant.

9.05: A vestibule, eh? And a secret door? It’s quite exciting so far, but looking at Davina’s ability with a video camera, I won’t be hiring her to film a wedding anytime soon.

9.09: The house might be a bit garish, but the bathroom is lovely and I want one of the steam thingies. Actually, my friend has just pointed out though that they could be used by men ‘to relieve themselves in.’ I now feel a bit queasy.

9.15: An electric chair! The Big Brother chair is a bit scary this year isn’t it?

9.19 Twins. I can see them on the cover of Nuts already. I’m a bit concerned by their fairy outfits that they may actually be 12-years old. I pity the boy who gets to share them. From now on they are Salamanda, the Barbie-ette twins. One likes cheese and the other one doesn’t – thrilling information, there Davina. Thanks.

9.26: Lesley arrives. I quite like her and she hangs out with Charles and Camilla so might be able to get me a date with William, I quite fancy myself as queen one day. She doesn’t like music though, that’s weird. I’ve got a feeling she may be the odd one out.

9.30: Charlie -Wannabe wag. Not always a bad thing, but at the moment I’m thinking shallow. She is pretty, but damn, those shorts are short. She’s taking in 60 pairs of knickers. Washing isn’t that bad for god’s sake, the mangle’s brilliant after all. She also reminds me a little bit of Sinitta.

9.32. Oh my god, Sam and Amanda are like an explosion in a Barbie factory.


9.38 - Do you think Tracey takes drugs? It's just a hunch, mind. She seems nice, a bit of a female Pete, but the multi-coloured jacket is unforgivable.Joseph she ain't. But she seems quite sweet even if she does talk like she's trapped in 1998. The twins are going to scream at her hair, I can tell.

9.39 – They love her hair, told you!

9.41 – It’s Victoria Beckham-lite! Chanelle is a woman obsessed, I’ll allow Posh as a style icon, but the girl is trying to claim she can sing. She is clearly deluded. Cute outfit though.

9.47 – I’m always scared by anyone who calls themselves a nutter so Shabnam is already worrying me. She looks a bit like Amy Winehouse too – maybe Shabby Winehouse? Ooh no need for the screaming lady, I know you’re scared, but please consider my eardrums.

9.50 – Emily claims she’s not a rich bitch, but seeing at her wardrobe I think she might be lying. She’s Peaches Geldof, complete with the arrogance and obsession that she is the most popular/clever person ever to walk this earth. She wants to meet Pete Doherty types too, so clammy looking smackheads turn her on? Each to their own I suppose. But leave any rocker boys for me to swoon over young lady, that’s your first warning. I think I may want to slap her after about a day, especially if what Davina says about her is true.

9.55 – Lesley is looking a bit scared at all the squawking young women, actually I don’t blame her.

10.00 – Laura’s next to arrive. My friend is saying Beth Ditto, but I’m thinking more Matt Lucas – perhaps Daffyd’s younger sister? Despite that she seems OK, just don’t get the boobs out dear too soon, you might cause an injury.

10.02 – OK, the Big Brother obsession with their favourite cheeses is starting too disturb me.

10.05 – I like Nicky she likes smoking and electro music, therefore she is my kind of girl. And yes, love, you do look miserable, but I’ll forgive you for now.

10.06 – Hang on a minute she wants to go out with Calum Best – doesn’t she know where he’s been?

10.08 – I’m sorry, I’m all for Carole’s activism, that’s brilliant, but she does have a beard doesn’t she? It also looks like she’s borrowed some of Pat Butcher’s wardrobe, but I like her spirit and I’m looking forward to her kicking some ass.

10.13 – Blimey, the crowd loves Carole don’t they?

10.18 – Most of the girls have just realised there are no boys and they’re not happy about it and neither am I at the moment. However, I can’t wait to see them fighting over the man that comes in on Friday. I feel sorry for him already.

I would like to point out in the next few days all my opinions will change. That’s the magic of Big Brother.