Why it's Miss Piggy's fault I'm still single
To a child of the *lowers voice* 70s, Miss Piggy was the ass-kicking, tantrum-throwing, limelight-stealing star of The Muppet Show.
With hindsight, karate-chopping the object of your affections into falling in love with you may not have been the best relationship model to show a three-year-old girl.
Fast forward to 2012...I'm now the Style Editor of a British celebrity brand, Miss Piggy's the Plus Size Editor of Paris Vogue, and by the looks of the new Muppet movie, we're both still chasing frogs.
If you need any more proof that Miss Piggy's made it in magazines, The Devil Wears Prada star Emily Blunt - in a masterstroke of cameo casting - has left Miranda Priestly's office at Runway in New York and relocated to Paris to be her assistant.
Yet in another classic case of commitment phobia from Kermie, when the crew pitch up in Paris to persuade her to reprise her starring role in The Muppet Show, Miss Piggy fumes, 'It's always, "We need you, we miss you!"' It's never "I need you, I miss you,"' before quitting her job and doing it anyway.
It's time to get things started...Alison Tay aged 3
Historically, Disney plotlines perhaps aren't the place to look for strong female protagonists, but in another defeat for the lovers, the dreamers and me, even Enchanted's perky princess Amy Adams follows her boyfriend - OF 10 YEARS - to LA to be left on her own in a crummy motel room, while he's busy helping the Muppets get the gang back together again.
Have I fallen out of love with The Muppets? Never! Do I have bigger dreams for the daughter I hope I'll have one day? Absolutely.
And I pray she doesn't kiss as many frogs as me and Miss Piggy.
Take it away, Camilla...
Disney's The Muppets hits cinemas on 10 February 2012