Take That take a break from making their wives pregnant
Don't get me wrong, I'm no Take That hater. I worked at Smash Hits during their golden years. I will fight anyone who doesn't think Never Forget is one of the best pop songs EVER. I've been to Miami with Robbie Williams when he filmed his Freedom video, and New Mexico with Gary Barlow (those are my Diesel jeans!). Take That's Rule The World was even the first dance at my wedding.

But... Gary Barlow, Robbie Williams, Mark Owen, will you please stop getting people pregnant!

I'm not asking for me - personally I'm thrilled for you. In fact, my wife is expecting a baby too. And as long as none of you nick our baby names, I'll continue to be thrilled for you...

I'm not asking for the girls in the Now office. Even if at least two women here audibly sighed when they heard the news about Robbie, as if their chance of nabbing him was finally gone...

I'm asking on behalf of future boybands. What kind of example are you setting?

You're not supposed to be doing all the grown-up stuff and still be a boyband. When you hit 25 you were supposed to pack it in, buy farms and/or islands and live off airplay and royalties.

The clue's in the name. BOY band. Not man band, not dad band - BOY band. Young boys performing for young girls. Take That have become a group of middle-aged, mostly married men, performing for middle-aged, mostly married women.

When a boyband rolls into town, there should be mass swooning (like One Direction), mass looting from Boots' make-up counter as teenage girls try and stand out from the crowd, and mass panic from parents as they sound the 'lock-up-your-daughters' alarm (like the bells that should ring whenever Frankie Cocozza goes within fifty yards of a member of the opposite sex).

But when your Progress (aka Bring-The-Wife) tour rolled into town, there was a rush on mineral water, a shortage of babysitters, and a chance of breaking the Guinness World Record for 'most menopausal women in one arena'.

You didn't race off stage to drink vodka from a naked midget's belly button before taking an entire bus party of groupies back to your suites for a tourgasmic romp. After the encore, you joined your respective wives for chamomile tea and a foot-rub. Non-marrieds Howard and Jason probably just played scrabble or read a book.

Because of Take That's success, we can't move for other ageing ex teen-stars announcing 'unfinished business' and squeezing into age-inappropriate clothes for one more stab at the big time. New(!?) Kids (!?) On The Block, we're looking at you...


So, I'd like to make a plea to all boybands out there. When buying nappies replaces bagging groupies on your to-do list, it's time to call it a day.

P.S. Unless... unless you're breeding Take That Juniors?

With Gary's three (Daniel, Emily, Daisy) Mark's two (Elwood, Willow) Howard's two (Grace, Lola) and three more on the way, TTJ will be up to Blazin' Squad proportions by Christmas. And if Jason ever starts chipping in with Orange babies, they'll be unstoppable...

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